Monday, December 20, 2010

Here It Goes, Here It Goes

Hello Loyalists!

So I’ve decided to start up the blog again. I guess it makes sense with going back to school there and so people can keep tabs on Small Planet Big Plans.

Speaking of SPBP things are going really well in that area. Most of you probably heard my interview with WBEZ (if you didn’t you can find it on there is a link to the podcast) and because of that we hit our $10,000 goal which means we can buy our pump! It also gets our kids a year through school which is a huge weight off my shoulders. If we can have 6 more years like this we can finish our project.

As amazing as this is I’m having difficultly being excited. Actually all I feel is…scared.

I usually try and make these blogs inspirational and a bit humorous but I keep finding myself coming back to fear. More like terror.

It’s like that feeling I used to get before I went to a scary movie when I was younger. I was really excited until I sat down but then I became really afraid of being afraid (powerless, I know). I would dread the feeling and how for the next couple of days my skin would crawl and then when the music started playing and you knew the 25 year old playing the 16 year old was about to get it I would think…

I can’t do this.

I always made myself sit through it because I never want to look weak but it would take a lot of determination to keep sitting. This is a really painful way to have spent the last few weeks.

Everyone keeps telling me how happy I’ll be once I get there and how I felt like this before and blah blah blah but they really have no idea how bad it is.

The problem is that this time I KNOW how terrible and hard it will be some days and I KNOW how much it will hurt to give all this up. I can already feel that first night again when I was practically hysterical and I don’t want to go back again.

I forgot how nice it was to fit in back here. I used to think I was kind of a misfit and weird etc (teenage angst and such) but the truth is that I have a lot of friends here and as much as my past here hurts, there are also so many amazing memories.

I hadn’t realized how amazing it is to be in a place where people speak your language, look like you, dress like you, get your references and generally are all the same as you. Even though we don’t want to admit it, as Americans we are all a lot alike. And that’s comforting to me.

I also have regular old going to university fears such as will I make friends? Will the work be too hard? What if I hate it?

And one of the worst parts is how final this all feels. With school there being year round and ticket prices being what they are who knows when I’ll be back? It could literally be years before I see any of my childhood friends again. The same goes for my family and that makes me feel ill. And teary. But I’m not crying, my tear ducts have just sprung a leak (stiff upper lip and such. Be a big girl now.)

And you know what really sucks? How unexpectedly (at least for me) and amazingly successful I have been in raising money since I got home. I mean 10k? I never even imagined that.

What’s so bad about success you ask? Well….

Now the stakes are higher. Now 10k is the floor. My projected trajectory is much higher and thus failure means a much longer fall.

I have no idea how to keep this momentum going. I have no idea how to ever raise this much again. It’s almost like now I have even more pressure because this kind of success which feels like a complete fluke to me is expected. And that terrifying. I thought I was scared when I started this, but I had no idea then.

I just keep waiting for someone to stand up and shout WAIT she’s only 19! This girl has no idea what she’s doing! And it will all fall apart. This whole thing feel so fragile and I’m scared to make a move because that will break this amazing accident and the miracle will be over.

I’m so determined to finish this project; I want this done more then anything. I just thought that it would be easier by the time I got to this point.

God I am so stopped at the idea of going back. I have nightmares about going to the airport and seeing my mom cry again and being alone again and being harassed again and having to be on my toes again. It’s enough to make me want to go to sleep for years.

I wonder if my parents can write me a note to get me out of college…

I have no choice at this point but to man up and do the damn thing. But that kind of resolve sounds exhausting.

I just hate this feeling of losing control of my life, like I’m being pushed in a direction that I’m unsure of all of a sudden. And the weird part is everyone else feels so sure.

It’s strange but getting what I wanted my whole life has suddenly made me miserable.

I’m just so scared.

But ready or not here I go. So welcome back boys and girls. We have returned to the roller coaster. Buckle up and keep your arms and legs inside the compartment because we are in for….well who knows?

$10,000 raised. $60,000 to go. 1 girl. 1 mission. And 13 days until we are back in country.

Well fuck.


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