I feel like I don’t have the ability to write in any sort of way that would explain how I feel right now.
I just don’t have the capacity to explain the profound impact Kenya is having on me.
It’s like at some points I’m so high on helping I can’t ever imagine leaving.
And at some points I’m so content with the life here I think I might just get married in the church and live on the mission
And then at other points I’m so overwhelmed and depressed I can barley speak.
Kenya is exhausting me and my supply of cigarettes.
I don’t know how to explain it.
Sometimes it’s worth shitting in a hole and not having a shower to be able to send a kid to school and change their life in ways unimaginable.
And other times I feel so achingly alone that I would kill a kid if it meant I could go home right now.
And all the time I want chicken nuggets.
It’s really hard here guys I’m not gonna lie. Day after day it’s someone needs money to go to college or someone needs money to get to the US or this girl needs help out off an arranged marriage.
And I feel like there are so few I can turn to support to here.
Don’t get me wrong I’m very well loved but…well let’s just say I have a whole new respect for Eminem.
There is a profound difference between me and these people and that is that in 6 months I go home on a business class flight and get to take showers and have electricity and go to college and in six months they will still be here. In Africa. Unless I do something about it.
And sometimes that knowledge creeps into everyone’s mind at the same time and I can feel a small part of them hate me.
Of course other times people just want to touch me. Strangers here have actually stopped me on the street to thank me for coming to Kenya. People think I’m slightly insane for giving up everything I had in the US to some here but they are glad I came.
It’s just hard to deal with this pendulum.
And man I am so sick of being stared at. Particularly by the African high school girls and the girls in there 20s. There is some mad hatred going on there.
I’m just a bit down today. But really it’s more like right now as I will probably be high again in an hour.
I love you. I miss you. I wish you would all come here and give me a hug.
P.S. I’ve started to have dreams about showering and chocolate.
P.P.S. My J.Lo song just finished downloading so I’m high again